Tag Archives: meditation art

What are you so angry about?

I usually like to keep my posts about the art, but I recently had an epiphany and felt the need to share. I have been angry most of my adult life. Not that I ran around angry all the time, but it was always there, boiling just beneath the surface. I always blamed it on other people and their behavior. My ex, my family, people in traffic, etc, etc.

Since 2007, I’ve been on a search for inner peace. It’s been a long decade of reading tons of self help books, learning to meditate daily, creating art from my soul and self care. I’ve lost several friends along the way. Mainly because they weren’t comfortable with my changes and the fact that I was now standing up for myself. They didn’t like the “healthy” Paula.

I once had a shaman tell me that some people are like rocks in a backpack. Sometimes on the trail of life, we have to empty the rocks out of our backpack so we can lighten our load and be happy. Let’s just say my backpack was HEAVY with rocks. Not just people, but situations, memories and regrets. However, even after I dropped the rocks on the side of the trail, the anger was still there.

It’s been a long road and I finally feel like I’m moving on to the next decade of my life. The epiphany happened recently, after watching a video on facebook, of all places! Here’s the link: I highly recommend you WATCH this video!
https://www.facebook.com/comedien.voix.doublage/videos/10206832718043784/?hc_ref=OTHER&pnref=story

After I watched it, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s so crazy obvious to me now! I have been angry at my 15 year old self for DECADES! I have been mad at myself for all the stupid choices I made, for not just saying NO to that 17 year old boy who got me pregnant. First of all, NO to sex, and then later, NO to marriage.

Don’t get me wrong, everything that happened in my life HAD to happen. If not, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. That said, I’ve been carrying this anger around all this time. All the resentment for how my life “could’ve” been or “should’ve” been.

It is what it is.

How can I still be angry at that young girl who was just looking for love and attention? I can’t. The fire has been extinguished. The anger is now sadness. Not a depressed sadness, but a melancholy sadness for all the anger I inflicted on my family and friends and everyone around me.

BUT, it’s OK! I finally GET IT! Now I move on to forgiveness. I have often wondered why, after forgiving literally EVERYONE who ever did me wrong, why was I STILL angry? It’s time to forgive myself. It’s time to tell that 15 year old girl that still lives within me, you’re ok, you’re loved, you’re FORGIVEN.

I will leave you with a work in progress, “The Best of Everything”.

"The Best of Everything", acrylic on 12" vinyl record, work in progress

“The Best of Everything”, acrylic on 12″ vinyl record, work in progress

Finishing Up a Few Things

Before and current photos of "Believe in Love", 16 x 16" oil on canvas

Before and current photos of “Go with the Flow”, 16 x 16″ oil on canvas

Still working on “finishing” up a few paintings that I thought were done. Due to a recent critique, I decided to rework or actually, work more on a few of the paintings in my portfolio. The one I’m working on today (“Go with the Flow”) really needed it, I was never really sure it was done. It wasn’t. I’m putting another layer into the background, basically hundreds of little circles. I used to put much more detail into my backgrounds, I think I may return to some of that. I enjoy painting them, all that little detail work is a GREAT meditation!

Before and current photos of "Believe in Love", 16 x 16" oil on canvas

Before and current photos of “Believe in Love”, 16 x 16″ oil on canvas

The other painting I worked on last Friday (“Believe in Love”). This one needed all over shading/blending work. It was originally painted during a live music show at a local brewery, so it never really had that “finished” look. I’ve always loved the idea, but I think it’s better with an extra hour or two. I’m still not sure if it’s completely complete yet. What do you think? I do believe I will be revisiting this theme of heart flower petals in the near future.

One of my goals for the current year is to get back to blogging at least twice a week. After blogging for over 12 years, it can be difficult to come up with new, exciting ideas for blog posts. Do you have any suggestions? Is there an idea for a series of blogs that you wouldn’t mind sharing with me? I like to blog in series, makes it easier to come up with new material for some reason. Is there something about the life of an artist that you are curious about? I am going to keep with the theme of “the life of a New Mexican artist”, but there are a lot of places I can go with that. I want to blog about things that are of interest to YOU, my readers! How to videos? Video blogs? More painting time lapses? Photos of my travels? Please feel free to suggest, I’m all ears! 🙂

Creativity: Spiral Abstract Series Revisited

Spiral Abstract "Mesmerizing", 8 x 10" oil painting in progress.

“Mesmerizing”, 8 x 10″ oil painting in progress.

Today I worked on a new painting. I’ve truly missed painting daily. I would like to get back to that. I may have to give myself a challenge to make it happen. Haven’t decided what that will be just yet. A painting a day? A larger painting a week? I’ll let you know what I decide in a later post.

My Spiral Abstract Series started way back when in 2002. Throughout the years I have revisited the series and painted series within the series. You may be wondering what is this thing you call a “Spiral Abstract”? Well, I call it the Spiral Abstract Series because every painting starts with a central spiral, usually in yellow. I like to think of it as the “entry point” for my painting.

Staring at a blank canvas can be a bit intimidating if you don’t know where to start. That first twirl of the brush in the counter clock direction is where I start. It breaks up the white of the blank canvas, teasing me with it’s starkness. It’s like taking a jump into the canvas and the spiral is the ripple of the paint spreading over the surface. It represents movement, as if the canvas were spinning out of control.

What comes after the spiral is the abstract part of the painting. It’s expressionist in the process of painting whatever pops into my mind as I mix paint and sometimes use a spray bottle of water to blur lines and create layers of interest.

Sometimes the abstracts morph into something more representational, like a flower or the sun. I paint with oil paints, but because they are water mixable oils, I can use them more like a watercolor. Washes of color rather than brush strokes emerge from the canvas that started out blank and accusing.

The colors, spirals, swirls, marks, flower petals and all elements of the painting come from my Spirit. Called the Muse, God, Holy Spirit, Universe. Whatever you call it, it is something within and without me. It’s all around and it’s the source of all creativity in the Universe. I don’t control it, it tells me where to move the paint to next. Painting is a meditation/prayer for me. It keeps me connected to my source of life. It is my reason for living. It’s the thing I came here to experience.

It’s not easy to describe the creative process. Personally, I think this is because we the artists are merely the channel through which the creative energy passes. It’s a trance state in it’s purest form. I don’t know any other way to say it! So there you go! 🙂 Thank you so much for reading my ramblings! Sign up for blog updates up in the upper right corner of this page. 🙂

“Cosmic Sunshine” FINISHED!

Just finished today!

Cosmic Sunshine, oil on canvas, 30 x 30", $800