Tag Archives: dad

Peace, Love and Grief

Interesting how the brain works. As you may have seen from previous posts, I am currently working on paintings for my February show “Peace and Love”. All these thoughts of love and peace have stirred up feelings of grief and sadness in me. On January 9th, my beloved great Aunt (“Auntie”) Evalynn passed away at the age of 93. She had slowly retreated into the world of Alzheimers and it was a relief for the whole family that she was finally released from this terrible disease. My grandmother (her sister) also succumbed to the disease back in 2003. Thinking about her and how much I will miss her independent spirit has brought back thoughts of my dad, of course, and so I find myself once again dealing with grief. It’s interesting to me how one death can be so welcome while another is unexpected and like a slap in the face.

I still miss my dad, naturally, and at times like this I have a difficult time believing that we are coming up on the 2nd anniversary of his death! How could time pass so quickly and peacefully. My dad was right that life goes on, I know this now, but it’s like he was here just yesterday. I keep going through life, working, painting, loving, breathing, eating, sleeping, but he is gone, Auntie is gone, my grammy is gone. Are they really though? There have been so many times that I have felt them in the room with me, just like it felt when they were physically here. It always happens unexpectedly, when I am not thinking of them, busy in my daily life, doing mundane things. Then, out of no where, there they are, POP in my head, thoughts, feelings of love.

I used to believe that death was it, we live, we die, one life is all we get. I don’t believe that anymore, I’m convinced that we are spiritual beings having a human experience, convinced! How could it be any other way? I spent some time yesterday afternoon reading my past blog posts in the months after my dad’s death, revisiting the grief, it doesn’t change, the pain is exactly the same. I believe everything we go through in this life is a lesson, so what is the lesson in death? It’s so simple, appreciate every minute of this life, though it’s not truly all there is, it’s a one of a kind life, we will never relive this life, we may get another chance in another life, but this is it for this time around. I’m rambling on, I know, just dumping my mind out. So many people suffer here on earth, the earthquake in Haiti is just another example of human suffering, it’s part of the human condition. It’s part of life….and death. People die and suffer everyday, another thing my dad was right about, but it’s how we handle it that matters. It’s what we do with the death and suffering, dwell in it, sadness, depression, hopelessness. Or turn it around and appreciate the good in life, gratefulness for our blessings, look for the positive in every situation, enjoy moments of joy and love with our family and friends still with us. That’s what I choose to do most days, but I’m human and every once in a while I slip back into the negative aspects of it all. I did that yesterday and for a bit today, but now, I choose to be grateful, for the past, the present and the future. Life is beautiful, death is what makes it so, without death we would never appreciate the brevity of life, never go for the gusto, enjoy the moment! Thank you for that!

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Back to me, maybe? Someday!

I’ve been so busy with the gallery, it seems to be taking over my life! Not that it’s a bad thing, I’m really enjoying it, I just have been neglecting my art and myself because of it. Time just keeps speeding by me at the speed of light. I’m living in a dream world, everything is going so awesome right now! Chroma Studios won an award for the Best New Business in downtown Albuquerque last Saturday night! How cool is that? I didn’t even know there was such an award until we got the notice of nomination. The awards banquet was awesome! All kinds of local celebrities were there, news people, politicians, artists, business owners. I spoke with the mayor and invited him to our gallery opening this Friday, got a call from his office, so apparently he will be attending!

Everything is so awesome, wish my dad was here to see it all! I’m so overwhelmed at how quickly everything is happening, I’m convinced dad has something to do with it all. Wherever he may be now. Every so often, I still feel his energy around me. The other day when Michael Jackson died it was extremely strong. We both loved Michael’s music. Thriller was an album that brought us together at a difficult phase of my life, I believe I was 13-14 when it came out. We were both heavily into MTV at the time. Dad LOVED the Thriller video, especially the part where Vincent Price did the voice over and laugh. I was really affected by MJ’s death. Death has a different effect on me since dad died. It’s like all the emotion of losing dad comes back to the surface again. I wonder if it will ever go away. I feel bad for MJ’s kids, they are so young. 

Funny how I can go from being totally happy and content, to sad and empty in an instant by thinking about that loss. I guess it’s a good thing so many great things are happening to keep my mind off it. Life is good and life goes on and I have so much more of it to live! I’m grateful for it all. It’s so cliché, but it’s all these things that have made me the person I am today.

Last night I had a wonderful talk with my oldest son who was feeling down and doubtful about his life right now. I heard words coming from my mouth that I remember hearing from my dad years and years ago. All that wisdom that I brushed off as bullshit 20 years ago, makes all the sense in the world right now. I’m grateful that I had such an awesome dad and that I can now pass that wisdom and advice on to my sons. Maybe someday when I’m gone, my son will hear the same words coming out of his mouth for the benefit of his children. I hope so. Thanks Dad!

One Year without my Daddy

photos of my dad and family

photos of my dad and family

I can hardly believe I’ve made it through a year without my dad! One year ago today about this time in the evening, we were driving down to Las Cruces to be with my brother and family after dad died suddenly of a heart attack. That fateful morning around 8:30 am, my dad had called to let me know he made a trip to the emergency room the night before. He was having what he called “mild chest pains”, but after spending a few hours at the hospital he “said” the pain had gone away, so not being one to stick around a hospital for long, he went home around 3 am. When he called me the next morning, he was already at school to teach his high school students for the day. I got irritated with him and told him he’d better call his doctor and go in to get checked out. He insisted he was feeling better and said “if it’s my time to die, it’s my time, who cares!” Just like my dad! He had had an earlier heart attack 6 years previous to this one, had open heart surgery, and had been telling my brother and me for years that he would NEVER go through that again. He always said, “If I think I’m having another heart attack, I’m going home, lying down, and going to sleep”. I argued with him about it every time, with no luck. He insisted he wouldn’t let them open him up again. The pain was too much.

Me and dad on my wedding day

Me and dad on my wedding day

Well, that is exactly what he did! Everyone tells me I should be happy that he went the way he said he would. Selfishly, I just want my daddy back! He passed away the day before his 65th birthday, tomorrow would have been his 66th. He was finally going to retire from teaching(38 years) that spring and move in with me and my family. I was so looking forward to spending more time with him. We had even started moving his records into our house in Albuquerque.

 

Since that day, one year ago, my life has been hard AND better than ever! So ironic, but so fitting! I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is up there, out there, wherever it is that our souls go, watching over me, pulling strings for me, making things happen for me! Last year was both the worst and the best year of my life! This year is quickly shaping up to be even better! If you don’t believe me check out my other WEBSITE! Today, the one year anniversary of the day I lost my dad, one of my best friends, so many things have happened that are so amazing I can hardly believe it! I miss you daddy, but I thank you too, for always being with me, for visiting me in my dreams, for inspiring me to always think positive and for being right when you told me that “life goes on”. I never dreamed I could live without you, but I have, somehow, gone on and I have found happiness again! Even though I cry as I write this, they are tears of joy and love.

The Dead Will Never Die or los muertos nunca mueren

I had the most wonderful dream last night! My dad came to visit, my mom was there too. We were all at my brother’s house and it was oh so real! My brother was there too, but he was sleeping and I tried to wake him up so he could see dad, but he just got mad at me when I kept trying to wake him up. When I woke up and realized it had all been a dream, I was beside myself with the grief of loss all over again. Like dad had just left us yesterday, not almost a year ago. I know I should be happy about the visit, I had asked dad in the days before to come visit me. I missed him so. When I went to one of my favorite local sites today and found this post I was amazed at the synchronicity of it all. Rudolfo Carrillo is such an amazing writer, I always love reading his blog. How did he get into my head? Los muertos nunca mueren! Oh so true, thank you for that Rudolfo, I know you don’t know me, but you have proven to me, once again, that we are all connected! Life is but a dream, dreams are our true selves, our spirits live in the “dream world”. I am more and more convinced of that every day I’m alive. I can feel my next painting waiting to be born….the title? Los Muertos Nunca Mueren!