Category Archives: New Year

If they could see me now…

Today is one of those days. Actually, it’s been one of those days for the past month. 2012 started out full of energy and positive outlooks, but by the middle of January, I fell into the deep pit of lethargy and self pity. I am pretty good at faking it, my outer demeanor is usually pretty happy. Unless you live with me. Then you know the real me. The insecure, scared, never lives up to her own expectations, hypocritical me.

I have been thinking about writing a blog about this for weeks. Knowing that if I could just get this dark side of myself out in the open and expose her weaknesses then maybe, just maybe, I could get past this “phase” of the moon (or sun or whatever universal force is weighing me down). I don’t like to be this way, I feel like I’ve gone back into the body of that teenage mom I once was, the one who had no self confidence and hid out in her living room watching TV all day and night because her life was such a mess. That teenage mom who could totally relate to the Jerry Springer show and even contemplated going on the show at one point! I KNOW I’m not that person anymore, but every once in a long while, she comes back to haunt me. WHY?

These are the days I wish THOSE people could get a peak into my life. You know THOSE people, the ones who go on and on about how lucky I am to be living my dream, spending my days painting and creating and BEING and ARTIST. They always say it like it’s all fun and games, like I have some rich husband (for those who don’t know, I’m married to a musician!) who pays for everything and I never have to worry about ANYTHING. Well folks, newsflash, it’s not all fun and games and I spend more time worrying and beating myself up than I do painting. In fact, I spend a LOT of my time painting AND beating myself up. At the same time! That’s the real reason why most of my paintings are so upbeat and happy….I’m trying to convince MYSELF! It’s the cheapest form of therapy I know!

To be fair, that isn’t always the case, I am happy more than I’m not, I’m just exaggerating because it’s been this way for a month and it feels like forever! I used to feel like this a LOT more than I have in the past four years. Strangely enough, it was the death of my dad that made me a more happy person. Sure, I grieved for years, but his death made me appreciate everything more. It reminded me how short life is and how we only get this one chance in our lives to DO something.

The issue now is, I feel like I’m slipping back in to the old me and I don’t know how to stop it. Painting gives me a temporary reprieve but unfortunately, I cannot spend 24 hours a day painting. I don’t know, now I just feel like I’m whining. My mom would tell me I’m depressed and it runs in the family and I should just admit to the fact that I can’t escape it. FOOEY! I don’t believe that!

See….just writing this post has already made me feel better. Looking at myself from the outside in reminds me that I have so much to be grateful for AND that I am merely human. GASP! I admitted it! I am merely human. 🙂

Advertisements

Life is Beautiful!

This has been such a crazy year! I can’t believe it’s already almost over! I can easily say that it has been the worst AND the best year of my life. Worst, because I lost my dad and I miss him terribly. Best, because all of my dreams that I have worked for over the years, have come true this year! I’m not sure why this is, perhaps a lesson from my dad to make sure I remember that life does go on without him. Maybe it’s him watching over me and making sure things happen for me. Maybe I’ve finally figured things out and losing my dad has given me a new motivation to achieve my dreams and goals. Whatever the reason, life is beautiful, sometimes in a sad, profound way, sometimes in an inspiring, wonderful way.

So, as I near the end of the week, and the beginning of my Holiday vacation, or time off in this case since we aren’t actually going anywhere, I have started thinking about what I have accomplished this year and my goals and plans for next year. Accomplishments this year are higher in number than any other year I can remember. I can hardly believe that I am now in the place I’ve been working so hard all these years to attain! For anyone out there who is just getting started, this is PROOF that it can be done! If I can do it, anyone can. It makes no difference where you come from, where you live, what your education is, how much money you have or even who you know. If you have a dream and the perseverance to see it through, you can do anything you set your mind to! I started out as a teenage mother, high school drop out, from a lower middle class family, who had people tell me that I would go NO WHERE! I guess it helps that I have always been motivated by people like that. In fact, I am extremely grateful for those people in my life!

My accomplishments for 2008:

1. We opened our Art Studio spaces and quickly expanded into an awesome gallery space. I am now in the position to help other artists with their dreams and goals

2. I have put together a complete body of work, large and small, in my new spiral abstract style.

3. I have started licensing my art for needlepoint designs, giving me a residual income!

4. We have paid off ALL our credit card debt!

5. I am now becoming a force in my local art scene, people come to ME for advice!

That’s all I can come up with off the top of my head, but it’s a huge list for me! Next year I have even bigger dreams! Now that we have almost made it through our first year in business, some of the smaller dreams within the business can be started. I have so many ideas that I can’t wait to begin.

May everyone have a wonderful, happy holiday season and a very happy new year!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year everyone!

I know it’s supposed to be a holiday, but I’m down at the studio today. I have to get my studio packed up and ready to move. I’m not moving far, across the parking lot, into a smaller studio.

I have lots to blog about, but not much time to do it right now. Once I get the studio cleaned, packed and hopefully moved(I’m waiting on another artist to move out of the new studio), I will blog about my accomplishments for 2007 and my goals for 2008. I’m looking forward to a wonderful year!